The Premier League is back, and goals have happened. But which were the best? These three.
Nobody is ever able to really agree on what makes one goal better than another. Obviously, a 30 piledriver is better than a tap in, but is that same piledriver better than an intricate passing move that takes in every member of a side, or a lightning counterattack? Or what if that tap in came at the end of a lightfooted dance that left defenders lying dizzily on the floor?
The problem is not that these arguments are questions of taste and so therefore irresoluble. It's that they don't go far enough. What of those goals that are ostensibly simple, yet are heavy with symbolic value? Or those that come at the end of a goalmouth scramble, perhaps the most pleasurable sight a football field can offer? And what about those that are, quite simply, very funny?
Here is the alternative Premier League goal of the week. We're taking everything into account.
3. Kyle Walker (o.g.), Manchester United (well, Tottenham, but you know what we mean)
The own goal 1-0 http://pic.twitter.com/JB5asmGmpI"
— ByTheMin Spurs (@ByTheMinSpurs) August 8, 2015
It takes something for a goal to be a bleak thing for both teams. It takes even more for that goal to be an own goal, and still feel bleak; despite what the physicists say, there is only one universal law, and that states that own goals are always, always, always, always funny.
This one was funny, obviously. Perhaps not an all-time classic, but certainly pleasing, particularly in the precision with which Walker — on his wrong foot, no less — diverted the ball past Michel Vorm just as the Dutchman started to move out and close the angle. Good comedy is all about timing. Not that Tottenham were laughing, having just received a rather rude reminder that the universe is a cold, dark place powered by malice, and that we are but dolls to the gods, and that the gods are basically children.
As for United? Well, they tried to hide it. The players celebrated, the fans celebrated, and Louis van Gaal furrowed his brow in that special way that denotes happiness. But they, too, were brought face to face with a brutal truth. Tottenham's rightback is a better finisher, even with his wrong foot and even by accident, than United's captain. A sobering thought.
2. Philippe Coutinho, Liverpool
Coutinho with a screamer to give Liverpool a late lead. #LFC http://pic.twitter.com/8BzgLXrTKt
— Arsène's Son (@hughwizzy) August 9, 2015
Probably number one on any conventional, boring list, Liverpool's well-moisturised manchild has to make to with the runners-up spot here. Which isn't to criticise the quality of the goal, of course: it's a lovely strike, and it's preceded by an equally lovely deletion of Steve Sidwell, who tries to close down Liverpool's No. 10 and then suddenly, following a quick back-in-then-roll, finds himself standing around and blinking. Very nice. Well done.
But we're not here for that nonsense. We're here for the redemption story. A few minutes before Coutinho walloped one past Jack Butland, he missed one ...
Wait. That's not quite right. He didn't just miss. He caught a volley a fraction of a fraction wrong, resulting in a ball that instead of dipping sweetly into the goal, shot up and out at precisely 45 degrees.
We couldn't find a video, so you'll have to follow the ball in your mind's eye. As it flies out of the stadium. As it flies out of Stoke. As it passes through the clouds, onwards, upwards, hammering through the atmosphere, blue fading to black. As it finally leaves Earth's airy embrace and enters the vast endless vacuum of space. As it promptly explodes. What kind of business are you running here, Nike? Those hilarious gifs involving satellites are being undermined by your shoddy workmanship.
Now, imagine being the person responsible for that shot. A mere mortal, unblessed with Coutinho's skill and fortitude, might well have taken their own journey out of the stadium at this point. Goodbye, fans; goodbye, teammates. That's me. I'm done. I'll see you all in a few months, once I've had a chance to go and stare at the sea for a while. Think about things. Take some time, you know?
Not Coutinho. Coutinho had a game to win.
1. Cheikhou Kouyate, West Ham
Cech's had a complete nightmare there. #ARSWHU #Arsenal #Kouyate http://pic.twitter.com/M5lQr6CwaO
— Arsène's Son (@hughwizzy) August 9, 2015
Let's be real here. There were only three reasons to be watching Arsenal host West Ham on Sunday, a fixture so predictable that that the computer sometimes spits out a scoreline instead of a date. Reason the first: being a West Ham fan. Reason the second: being an Arsenal fan. Reason the third: hoping that Petr Cech might drop an almighty rick.
There aren't many who have been brave enough to proclaim that Cech move across London will be The Difference between Arsenal winning the league and not doing, but everybody seems certain that he will make A Difference, which has been variously estimated as anything between 6 to 15 points. And probably rightly so: as goalkeepers go, he's not too old and he's pretty damn good.
This was a concern. Not because Arsenal winning the league would be any more awful than the rest — apart from on Twitter, which would become literally unhabitable — but because Arsenal provide a valuable service to the Premier League. Like all the big clubs, they line up each weekend likely to win, but none of the others have such potential for life-affirming disaster. Sure, the Manchester clubs, Chelsea, Liverpool and all the rest have their off days and their defensive meltdowns, but none of those explode across the nation with such glorious and giddy delirium.
And so it came to pass that a day which began with talk of a title challenge, ended with Youtube personalities scrapping on the concourse. Cech doesn't take all the blame for either goal, of course, and will doubtless make plenty of good saves throughout the season. But it was nevertheless profoundly reassuring to see him sailing through the air, fists out, eyes, wide, ball agonisingly elsewhere. It demonstrated to a grateful nation that it will take more than just a good goalkeeper to stop Arsenal being Arsenal. Thank you, Petr. Thank you.
Source: Andi Thomas http://ift.tt/1ICL1Su
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